Are you getting your fair share in the crumpet stakes? Or was your plonker the last thing you pulled? Here’s your chance to find out what you are doing right, or where you’re going wrong. We contacted international playboy and professional smoothie-about-town Jason King, aka ‘The Best Dressed Man of 1970’ to ask him at his bachelor pad on the beach at Cannes, the multi-talented master detective came up with this sure fire acid test that will help you get your hands on more tarts than Mr. Kipling. Are you man enough?
Okay, here goes.
1: You have to go out and buy some new clothes.
Do you: a): Nip down to Millets and ask for a shell suit.
b: Get a sensible business suit from the Freemans catalogue, and pay for it over three years in monthly installments.
c): Go down to Carnaby Street, find a trendy boutique and purchase a lilac Kaftan with psychedelic kipper tie, a pink cravat and a huge gold bracelet.
2) You are invited to a party by the girl of your dreams.
Do you: a): Turn up early with a bottle of low alcohol wine and your new Des O’Connor CD, and proceed to complain about how many sets of traffic lights you had to pass through on the way there.
b): Turn up on time with four cans of Special Brew, still dressed in your work clothes, and say you have to be home early because there’s football on the telly.
c): Turn up late with a crate of champagne and another girl on your arm. Say, ‘Let’s blow this scene baby, it’s like nowhere.’ Then take them both off for a shag in the back of your Triumph Stag.
3: Your idea of a romantic weekend is:
a): A bargain break at Centre Parcs.
b): Fell walking in the Lake District.
c): Flying by private jet to Monte Carlo, where you blow twenty grand at a casino and retire to your luxury yacht in the harbour for group sex.
4): What are your thoughts on smoking and drinking?
a): They are both very bad for your health. You’ve only ever tried sweet cigarettes.
b): You find it easier to chat up a bird after you’ve put a few pints down your neck. You don’t know whether you smoke after sex because you’ve never been conscious enough to look.
c): You smoke 200 coloured cocktail cigarettes every day, and swig claret and champers until they are coming out of your ears. You never drink and drive though, because you’re worried about spilling some.
5): You take a girl out for a meal.
Do you: a): Ask for salt and vinegar with your chips.
b): Order the hottest vindaloo on the menu at your local curry house and spend the rest of the evening on the toilet.
c): Greet the head waiter like an old friend and smile smugly as he gives you the best table. Then you order in French and spend the evening fending off autograph hunters.
6): You are in bed with a married woman when her husband comes home early.
What do you do? a): Hide under the bedclothes.
b): Apologise profusely and say that you only popped in to read the meter as he punches you repeatedly in the face.
c): Laugh gaily and offer him a glass of champagne before you leap out of the window to land in the driver’s seat of your sports car and roar off into the night.
7): It’s time to buy yourself a new car.
Do you: a): Get a Micra because they’re cheap to run.
b): Look in The Exchange and Mart to find an old banger, then spend two years taking it to bits only to find you can’t put it together again.
c): Borrow the most expensive Lamborghini in the showroom and smash it to pieces on a test drive. Laugh gaily as you tell the assistant, ‘It’s not fast enough for me.’
8): What do you do for a living?
a): You’ve worked in the Civil Service for 15 years. But it’s a very interesting job, really.
b): You work in supermarket trolley retrieval for Sainsburys. At least you get to see the world.
c): Snog sexy women, drink champagne, drive fast cars and write best-selling novels. And you get weekends off.
9): You’ve clicked with a bird and get her back to your flat.
But how will you put her in the mood for love? a): Introduce her to your mum. Crank up your favourite Cliff Richard CD and spend the next three hours explaining the complexities of index-linked pension schemes.
b): Stick the footie on and crack a few cans.
c): Suggest she joins you for a brandy in your giant sunken jacuzzi. Then adjourn to a heart-shaped water bed where there are two other beauties waiting to make the numbers up.
10): Your girlfriend announces she is pregnant.
Do you: a): Say you’ll be happy to marry her after you check the results of the blood test.
b): Commit suicide by drinking thirty Alcopops on an empty stomach.
c): Laugh gaily, crack some champagne. Then throw a wad of notes in her face and piss off to your luxury yacht in the South of France.
ANSWERS Check your score below to see how you measure up to the Jason King standard.
MOSTLY A: You are what is technically known as a wanker. Friends think you’re more boring than a party political broadcast. You look middle-aged at 30, live with your mum in a semi in Milton Keynes and keep telling your mates how nice those concrete cows are. It’s time to blow your life savings on a lava lamp and tight leather trousers. Or alternatively you could do us all a favour and step in front of a train.
MOSTLY B: You spend far too much time down the boozer with your mates. That beer gut isn’t going to help you pull the crumpet, you know, and neither are those spots or the mullet haircut. Get a life, before it’s too late.
MOSTLY C: Congratulations! You are rich, handsome, carefree, and so bloody smooth that you are always up to your handlebar moustache in adoring females. As for those togs, well when the 70s come back into fashion you’ll be right up there, alongside the Editor of this fine magazine!